I’m doing everything I can to remember and cherish these moments. When I look back on the growth of my podcast in two years I want to smile knowing I am creating change in this world and my community.
Visuals? I’ve been investing a lot of thought into developing visuals. I’d like it to be complimentary to my podcast and an extension of my brand but I’m not sure what the content will consist of. I need time to let this sit.
9/4/16 at 5:02AM
I just woke up from the craziest dream. I dreamt I was attending an event for social media creatives that featured some of my favs. There was an exercise which required I washed someone’s hair in my sink. I remember feeling inadequate and unprepared. There were dirty dishes in my sink and I was so embarrassed. Also, I have a bad tendency of biting my nails so I knew the head scratching wouldn’t feel as good. Nevertheless, I did it anyway and I was proud of myself. Afterwards I recall being in the presence of peers I recognized from school and church. I am not open about my sexuality in those spaces and I was scared but I braved the conversations. I was present. I didn’t hide even though I really wanted to. I woke up from this dream and I prayed for the first time in a long time. I asked God to let me heal so I can get back to work. I asked that He equip me with a spirit of readiness so I wouldn’t have to get ready when opportunities came my way. My partner (at that time) was lying in bed next to me and I asked if she would pray for me aloud. She said she couldn’t. At that very moment it became clear to me that I am responsible for my vision. I am responsible for praying and cultivating my vision. I’m not sure what this dream meant but I believe I may have an idea. I can’t sulk anymore or dwell in my sadness. People are waiting for me to show up. I’m waiting for me to show up for myself. It’s time to wake up. I thank God for this dream because now I am ready to move.
ITS MY TIME. I’m ready and I’m focused. I need to take my podcast to the next level. I need a team. I need to seek out people who understand my vision and want to be a part of it. These people do exist. Go find and pursue them relentlessly. Most importantly, take time to heal completely. The Friend Zone episode featuring Shameless Maya changed my life and my perspective. I’ll always be grateful to each of them for that. I know I will be that for someone else too, so long as I stay grounded. Obstacles are inevitable but I welcome and accept the challenges. WIN MORE.
12/12/16 1AM Voice Memo
Be brave. I must be who I am unapologetically. It isn’t easy. Fear is debilitating but fear is also a choice. I am constantly telling myself to relinquish this fear. You are doing this world a disservice by impeding your own greatness. To harness your full potential, you must conquer fear. One day at a time. You are a light that is meant to shine in the darkness.
I released my first episode where I share someone else’s story. I feel very good about it. I feel motivated to continue on and fight fatigue, both physical and emotional. I scheduled a phone conference with old friend and videographer, Sergio Santamaria, to discuss potentially using his services. I’m looking for a long-term partnership to cross-market my podcast and brand on different social media platforms. Initially, I’m thinking I want to test this out with two small videos. After that I really don’t know but I’ll figure it out as I go.
I followed up with Sergio and I’m quite satisfied. We’ve scheduled a date to shoot. I’m very excited! Tonight, I have some recording to do but I will make time to brainstorm and iron out some ideas for videos in the future. You can do this! Stay focused and continue to pray over yourself and your vision.
The LGBTQ community at large is one of the most resilient people groups. Even within the growing acronym there are many avenues that intersect such as gender identity, gender presentation, race and ethnicity and so many more. These intersections create diversity that is more colorful than the rainbow banner that is symbolic of their collective love.
I have 1,004 total plays on SoundCloud. I am so humbled and blessed to know someone has been encouraged by my podcast. But remember this is by no means a numbers game. Numbers can easily excite you and just as quickly deflate your momentum and motivation. I am here for change. I am here for anyone and everyone who feels or has ever felt isolated because of who they are and who they love. Again, this is not a numbers game. This about love. The art, the beautiful art of loving yourself, your singleness, your partner, your tribe, and the community in its entirety. Don’t be fooled or distracted.
I did my first video shoot on 2/2/17. It came out extremely well and it was everything that I envisioned. It was truly something special to see my ideas be actualized in front of my eyes. All of the late nights and months of planning came to fruition in a mere 1:29 second video lol. So many amazing things are happening, from my relationship to speaking engagements. Yesterday, I received my business cards in the mail. MY FIRST EVER BUSINESS CARDS HOE, WITH MY NAME ON IT! I really don’t know what else to say but thank you God. This week is particularly demanding but it comes with growth.
Tomorrow, I am participating in my first speaking engagement with my girlfriend. We are conducting a workshop entitled #DoTell: Empowering Womxn by Deconstructing Binaries and Constructing Artists for the 2017 UC Women’s Caucus Leadership Conference at UC Irvine. I am overjoyed! I hired a videographer to capture this monumental day. God is preparing me. And to my incredibly brilliant and loving girlfriend who submitted the application for this conference, I love you. Thank you for believing and seeing my vision.
I finally found some time to write. First, the presentation went extremely well. Everyone who was there was predestined to be. Afterward, this couple approached Jessica and me to tell us how our lecture resonated with them. One partner was moved to tears. In that moment, I knew I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m doing exactly what I should be doing. I can’t wait for the video to be finished. I want to share this experience with the world. It’s amazing how much my life has changed since I’ve let go of the dramatics, negativity, and stopped entertaining unhealthy relationships. So many networking opportunities have come about and I’m truly taken aback. I’ve been looking at merchandise trying to figure out designs and placement. Besides that, my next order of business is visual work. I know I need to be patient and allow the visual work to develop organically. I’ll find it in time. The USC presentation is still on the table. It’s been spoken aloud and I’m praying it into existence. People within the LGBTQ community are reaching out to me with the desire to share their stories. Beautiful things are coming to pass for me. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude.
Beautiful things are happening. I was just struggling to figure out visual content now I’m full of ideas. I’m so happy with how my podcast is progressing. I have a potential partnership with SOULE. I’m speaking with a representative on Wednesday and I feel confident all will go well.
I’m thinking by my one year anniversary I want to have a consistent branding scheme on all my media platforms in addition to purchasing merchandise. I really want to make it a point to send out tokens of appreciation to listeners and those who have shared their story. However, right now my focus and my money is tied up with this body positivity series I’m planning. I’m about to be broke but I know it’s temporary. Sergio is on board with my vision and I trust his creative direction. We have an incredible working relationship. I am in a wonderful place in my life and I’m so thankful for God’s favor.
3/9/17 2AM Voice Memo
I want to do a giveaway targeting ftm trans poc. Initially, I contemplated sponsoring part of someone’s top surgery but I’m not even balling out like that. Maybe I will have a greater reach partnering with RodeoH and raffling off twenty $25 gift cards. That would assist with purchasing items such as packers, packer friendly briefs, STP mechanisms, etc. I know it isn’t much but it is a start. I’m going to pocket this idea and lay it out when I’m ready. Switching topics, I feel deeply compelled to engage those in the deaf community. I’m not certain transcribing is the best way to bridge the gap but I need to try. I’d love to set up a meeting with someone who can help guide me in the right direction. I would also be interested in a YouTube collaboration. I need to continue to pray that God will send the right people my way because this is special. I have to put myself out there. I send emails but I’m not getting the responses I need. I’ll knock down doors if need be. Keep moving. Forward.
I’ve been busy. Where do I start? I finally made the conversion with my social media accounts. It was a necessary cosmetic fix. I also reordered my business cards since I bought the domain for the website. I’ve realized I need money lol. It’s an issue everyone has but as a creative I make decisions about my finances keeping my brand in mind. I spent money redecorating my apartment when I could have put that towards my body positivity series. The decorating was not a priority and it could have waited. I need to be patient. Now I’m mad there’s a delay in executing my creative work because of money. I want things done right. It isn’t professional to hit up other creatives inquiring about their services in exchange for an IOU. I’m smarter than that. Tonight, I’m going to reevaluate my priorities and my budget. Learn from this. Don’t repeat mistakes.
3/20/17 12:47AM Voice Memo
I went to Jade&XD’s live show at CSULA which was a big deal for me. I had meet and greet tickets which was an awesome opportunity. It was crazy to see their banners and posters floating around the campus. It must be a great feeling to work your ass off and see your goals come to fruition. Anyway, I walked into the meet and greet room and I knew I couldn’t play small. I slid in the joint and made my introductions. Talking with Jade was so chill and XD is truly a character (in the best way). I was proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and advocating for myself. I was out there shooting my shot. The show was such a success and I learned a lot from this experience. Afterwards, I bumped into Jayce Baron and asked if he’d be interested in being on my podcast and we exchanged contact information. He’s such a sweetheart and gorgeous too. I did well for myself. It’s good to see these events and know I can achieve this for myself too.
My partnership with SOULE was announced today! I’m very excited and humbled to be a part of their team. I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes. Every day and every night I’m filled with ideas for the podcast. There are so many people I want to work with but I’m just trying to survive the next couple of weeks. I am so proud of the content that’s in the making. It’s lit.
4/25/17 2AM Voice Memo
This past weekend I shot six videos with Sergio. Three of my own and three as a collaboration with my good friends Jasmine and Ahkira. It was very productive; however, here are my thoughts on how to improve:
1. My refrigerator is a piece of shit and its killing my audio. Unplug it or get a quieter one.
2. I need to shoot videos and edit on two separate days because it is incredibly taxing and I want to minimize mistakes.
3. Finalize content beforehand not the day to maximize everyone’s time.
I’m ready to greenlight this YouTube channel. It’s going to be a lot of work in addition to my podcast but there’s potential for great reward. The plan is to put out one video a month that’s complimentary to what I have going on with the podcast. I want to believe in every video I release. I don’t want to compromise any content for the sake of views or likes. I need to be smart about execution. I’m considering a set design. I hit up Kristina Bing to help with that. I need money to roll on that though, I’m very particular. There’s plenty of things on my to do list and they will all get done in God’s time. I had another dream the other night. I was leading a discussion on the importance of time at an LGBT Center. It moved me. I’m preparing the content because the day is coming.
4/26/17 3:10AM Voice Memo
I did a collaboration with Me and The Gay Homie podcast yesterday. I had a lot of fun and would love to do it again. I’ve been feeling so inspired lately. XD’s episode came out and is being received very well. I have a couple of YouTube features and some other things in the works. I love what I’m doing and I intend to keep pushing this momentum.
4/30/17 1:40AM Voice Memo
I shot a video with Sergio that I believe will be a game changer. I know it’s going to be beautiful. I entitled the video Who Am I? After the shoot, we grabbed some In-N-Out and talked about our partnership. Never in a million years did I think we would be working together again and on creative endeavors at that. Backstory: Sergio and I used to work together back in the day in the food service industry. We always worked well together. I truly appreciate that he understands my vision and can see it for himself. I’m so proud of the man and brilliant creative he has become. Moreover, I’m happy to call him a friend and a brother.
5/2/17 12:30AM Voice Memo
Sergio finished editing the Who Am I? video. It made me cry. It’s an excellent body of work. It’s my story. This isn’t regular shit. I found my niche and its truly something. I already have an idea for the next video. I’m ready.
5/6/17 7:30PM Voice Memo
Today, I attended Shameless Maya’s birthday bash and 5-year celebration with my photographer, Jannah. PS – Jannah you’re a real one because I wouldn’t have gone without you. I want to praise myself first, for going to this event, second being intentional with my time, and thirdly doing an amazing job networking. As much as I love people, intermingling among a large crowd is really overwhelming and I need a few minutes to adjust to the energy in the room. Once I got over that, I was good. I met HeyFranHey, Shameless Maya, AmbersCloset, Jade aka FoxyHotMess, and her girlfriend Vanessa Parish. It meant so much to me to hug Maya and tell her she’s the reason I purchased a home studio. They are all such wonderful people. I handed out my business cards and invited several people on the podcast. It’s up to me to do the work and follow up and follow through. Get it done! Continue to be sensitive to your spirit, its leading you to the spaces you’re meant to be in and a part of.
5/11/17 3:40AM Voice Memo
I stood in front of the lecture hall after class yesterday and I thought to myself this could be reality. I want to do a live show but with the current format of my podcast it wouldn’t translate very well. I have some solid ideas how I could accomplish this and I’m going to take the time to flesh the details out. The vision isn’t as clear as I’d like it to be but that doesn’t mean this isn’t tangible. I want it to be an interactive experience. I want people to be involved not just entertained. Give it time and trust the process.
5/16/17 3:40AM Voice Memo
More live show talk! It’s the only place where my head is right now. I know exactly where I want to have this venue and I went and toured the facility. I have a feeling this might be happening sooner than I expected. As I looked around the room I could see specific people in attendance. I’m still sifting through the details. It’s becoming clearer but it’s not cohesive just yet. I’m on to something.
I drove out Los Angeles today and did an interview with Gillian Walters of The Last Muscle. My girlfriend’s friend Lauren, found Gillian through an advertisement calling for submissions for the project and forwarded it to me. I am so honored to be included in a showcase of creative queer women across the United States. I can’t wait to see the final product.
IT’S MY ANNIVERSARY! Time flies when you’re having fun. I can’t believe it’s been one year already. It was just the other day I was filled with anxiety releasing my first episode. I have accomplished everything I wanted to do in this first year. Today I debuted the A Love Project video to celebrate this milestone. The icing on the cake was being able to present my Who Am I? video in my diversity graduate class for the LGBT lecture. Afterward, I told my story in front of my peers and answered their questions about gender and sexuality. If you would have asked me if I’d be doing this a year ago, I’d say hell no. I love who I am becoming. I am embracing every piece of my identities. I’m falling in love with all aspects of this journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Earlier this week, I had a relative tell me that they will never condone or support anything that has to with homosexuality in my life. It hurt me so badly because so much of my life now is geared towards loving and serving this community I am a part of. I sat in front of my girlfriend and cried. As I sobbed, I managed to utter, I vow to give my entire heart to this project because I’m not the only one who feels this way. Later that day, such a peace came over me. I choose not harbor anger or hatred in my heart because if I did that energy would be obstructing room for love. Love is all I have to give because God loved me first. Here’s to another year and I am ready to win more.